No, it doesn’t refer to the historical figure. Last year I read a fantasy novel called Bronwyn’s Bane about a princess who was part giant and stood ten feet tall. Well, when I was getting ready to stir myself out of bed yesterday morning, I was thinking of that character from that novel. One thing led to another, and I ended up writing the strangeness below. It’s rather long-winded, so I’m probably going to post half of it now, and the rest tomorrow. I hope it tickles your fancy.
DAN BLATHER (sitting in lifeguard’s elevated chair): We’re here at the beach for an exclusive interview with the world’s only twelve-foot-tall woman. Her name is Catherine Hunter, and for obvious reasons, she has been called Catherine the Great, a sometimes-outspoken political commentator. Ms. Hunter, people say that-
CATHERINE HUNTER (sitting in huge lawn chair): Please don’t call me “Ms.”, Dan- may I call you Dan? Anyway, I associate “Ms.” with the rabid feminist movement, and I feel that N.O.W. is past.
DAN: Uh, okay, uh, Catherine?
CATHERINE: Better just make it “Cathy”. This interview is going to be posted in text on a political website, and the jerk who’s doing it is too damn lazy to type out “Catherine” every time.
DAN: Uh, okay, Cathy. I’m glad we got that out of the way. People say that-
CATHY: Oh, I’m sorry; I’m being rude. Would you like a Pepsi? (offers Dan a 3-liter bottle)
DAN: Ah- no thank-
CATHY: How about a handful of Whopper McNuggets? (offers Dan a plastic bin full of Whoppers)
DAN: Perhaps later-
CATHY: Well, don’t mind if I do. (pops a whole Whopper into her mouth)
DAN: Ah- not at all. People say that you’re exhibitionistic, that you wear this bikini everywhere you go. Yet you embrace conservative modesty. How do you explain this contradiction?
CATHY (chewing Whopper): That’s easy, Dan. Do you know how much it would cost for the cloth alone for a comprehensive wardrobe for this body of mine? It all has to be custom-made, too. Victoria Secrets certainly doesn’t carry anything for a seventy-four-inch J-cup bust. So I just had several simple and cheap bikinis made up, and I spend most of my time here at the beach where it isn’t out of place, unlike your thousand-dollar tailor-made suit.
DAN: Yeah, well, I don’t think I would look very good in a bikini-
CATHY: The suit doesn’t really help either, Dan.
DAN (sighing): Anyway, doesn’t it seem out of place to go everywhere dressed like this?
CATHY: Oh no. I’m wearing as much cloth as the average jeans-and-T-shirt get-up.
DAN: But you’re so much bigger than average-
CATHY (sharply): That’s not my fault, Dan. Are you discriminating against me because of my large size?
DAN (slightly flustered): I didn’t mean- well, that is-
CATHY: Good. Because I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to discriminate against you because of your small size- I’m sorry. That was supposed to be confidential with your urologist, right? No problem. Mum’s the word.
(moment of silence)
CATHY: Are you all right Dan? Your face is kind of red. Too much sun? I guess you were right to wear the suit.
DAN (exasperated): I’m fine. Really. I actually wanted to bring up the issue of clothing and cultural norms.
CATHY: Are you saying I’m abnormal, Dan?
DAN: No, of course not.
CATHY: Why the hell not? I’m twelve feet tall, for heaven’s sake.
(moment of silence)
CATHY: Dan, are you still there?
DAN: I’m right here, of course.
CATHY: Yes, but are you all there? You spaced out for a moment.
DAN: No, I was just at a loss for words.
DAN: The point I’m trying to make is that most cultures don’t condone going around in most public places in a bikini. And some cultures would be downright hostile. In Iran, for example, you would probably be stoned to death for being dressed like that in public.
CATHY: Well, Dan, I don’t go to Iran. And if I did, I still wouldn’t be worried. I’d just pop the Imams’ heads like zits. (holds out her thumbs in an impressive and menacing manner)
DAN: Oooookay, that’s very graphic. But what about the old saying, “when in Rome, do as the Romans do”?
CATHY: And when in Sodom, do as the Sodomites do? No thank you, Dan. “Bugger the Sodomites”. That’s what I always say.
DAN: Clever pun…
CATHY: Anyway, do you know how many acres of cotton you’d have to kill to make me a burqa? You’ve got to think of the environment, Dan.
DAN: Yes- well, speaking of the environment: you talk about “good stewardship of the Earth”. Yet you drive a large gas-guzzling truck with no catalytic converter. How do you reconcile this contradiction?
CATHY: I did mention being twelve feet tall, Dan. Do I look like a Toyota Prius kind of girl?
DAN: Well, I suppose I can see where that might-
CATHY: My vehicle is actually a custom car body built on a modified long-bed extended-cab duelly pickup chassis. Nothing less is big enough. I tried doing one on a Ford F-250 chassis, but thanks to the current management, late-model Fords are gay.
DAN: Couldn’t you find a less-offensive word?
CATHY: Oh, sorry. Let’s just say that late-model Fords are faggots.
DAN: That was not an improv-
CATHY (singing): “The little faggot with the earring and the mink coat, yeah buddy; that’s his own hair-”
DAN: Would you please stop using that word?
CATHY: Why, Dan? Are you prejudiced against Dire Straits?
CATHY: Good. (resumes singing) “That little faggot got his own jet airplane; that little faggot, he’s a millionaire.”
DAN: But my job is going to be in dire straits if you don’t stop that.
CATHY: Your bosses are offended by the word “faggot”?
DAN: Well, some of our sponsors are, and if CBS News doesn’t get paid, then neither do I.
CATHY: Oh. Well, that’s an easy problem to solve. Drop the Ford account and look for new advertisers. I’m sure that Dr. James Dobson would be interested in advertising Focus on the Family during the CBS Evening News. I can hook you up with Wayne LaPierre at the National Rifle Association. And I hear that Ann Coulter is looking to plug her latest book.
DAN: Ah- that’s okay. Our advertising staff need to earn their pay. Moving along, in your recent book Liberals Aren’t Worth A Damn, you said that you believed that “illegal aliens should be crated up and sent back on the bumpiest roads available”. Don’t you feel that’s a little harsh?
CATHY: Not at all. They’re the ones flying another nation’s flag on our soil. Screw 'em.
DAN: Some of them might take hostile exception-
CATHY: Zits, Dan. (brandishes her impressive thumbs again)
to be contiuned next post