Catherine the Great

No, it doesn’t refer to the historical figure. Last year I read a fantasy novel called Bronwyn’s Bane about a princess who was part giant and stood ten feet tall. Well, when I was getting ready to stir myself out of bed yesterday morning, I was thinking of that character from that novel. One thing led to another, and I ended up writing the strangeness below. It’s rather long-winded, so I’m probably going to post half of it now, and the rest tomorrow. I hope it tickles your fancy.

DAN BLATHER (sitting in lifeguard’s elevated chair): We’re here at the beach for an exclusive interview with the world’s only twelve-foot-tall woman. Her name is Catherine Hunter, and for obvious reasons, she has been called Catherine the Great, a sometimes-outspoken political commentator. Ms. Hunter, people say that-
CATHERINE HUNTER (sitting in huge lawn chair): Please don’t call me “Ms.”, Dan- may I call you Dan? Anyway, I associate “Ms.” with the rabid feminist movement, and I feel that N.O.W. is past.
DAN: Uh, okay, uh, Catherine?
CATHERINE: Better just make it “Cathy”. This interview is going to be posted in text on a political website, and the jerk who’s doing it is too damn lazy to type out “Catherine” every time.
DAN: Uh, okay, Cathy. I’m glad we got that out of the way. People say that-
CATHY: Oh, I’m sorry; I’m being rude. Would you like a Pepsi? (offers Dan a 3-liter bottle)
DAN: Ah- no thank-
CATHY: How about a handful of Whopper McNuggets? (offers Dan a plastic bin full of Whoppers)
DAN: Perhaps later-
CATHY: Well, don’t mind if I do. (pops a whole Whopper into her mouth)
DAN: Ah- not at all. People say that you’re exhibitionistic, that you wear this bikini everywhere you go. Yet you embrace conservative modesty. How do you explain this contradiction?
CATHY (chewing Whopper): That’s easy, Dan. Do you know how much it would cost for the cloth alone for a comprehensive wardrobe for this body of mine? It all has to be custom-made, too. Victoria Secrets certainly doesn’t carry anything for a seventy-four-inch J-cup bust. So I just had several simple and cheap bikinis made up, and I spend most of my time here at the beach where it isn’t out of place, unlike your thousand-dollar tailor-made suit.
DAN: Yeah, well, I don’t think I would look very good in a bikini-
CATHY: The suit doesn’t really help either, Dan.
DAN (sighing): Anyway, doesn’t it seem out of place to go everywhere dressed like this?
CATHY: Oh no. I’m wearing as much cloth as the average jeans-and-T-shirt get-up.
DAN: But you’re so much bigger than average-
CATHY (sharply): That’s not my fault, Dan. Are you discriminating against me because of my large size?
DAN (slightly flustered): I didn’t mean- well, that is-
CATHY: Good. Because I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to discriminate against you because of your small size- I’m sorry. That was supposed to be confidential with your urologist, right? No problem. Mum’s the word.
(moment of silence)
CATHY: Are you all right Dan? Your face is kind of red. Too much sun? I guess you were right to wear the suit.
DAN (exasperated): I’m fine. Really. I actually wanted to bring up the issue of clothing and cultural norms.
CATHY: Are you saying I’m abnormal, Dan?
DAN: No, of course not.
CATHY: Why the hell not? I’m twelve feet tall, for heaven’s sake.
(moment of silence)
CATHY: Dan, are you still there?
DAN: I’m right here, of course.
CATHY: Yes, but are you all there? You spaced out for a moment.
DAN: No, I was just at a loss for words.
DAN: The point I’m trying to make is that most cultures don’t condone going around in most public places in a bikini. And some cultures would be downright hostile. In Iran, for example, you would probably be stoned to death for being dressed like that in public.
CATHY: Well, Dan, I don’t go to Iran. And if I did, I still wouldn’t be worried. I’d just pop the Imams’ heads like zits. (holds out her thumbs in an impressive and menacing manner)
DAN: Oooookay, that’s very graphic. But what about the old saying, “when in Rome, do as the Romans do”?
CATHY: And when in Sodom, do as the Sodomites do? No thank you, Dan. “Bugger the Sodomites”. That’s what I always say.
DAN: Clever pun…
CATHY: Anyway, do you know how many acres of cotton you’d have to kill to make me a burqa? You’ve got to think of the environment, Dan.
DAN: Yes- well, speaking of the environment: you talk about “good stewardship of the Earth”. Yet you drive a large gas-guzzling truck with no catalytic converter. How do you reconcile this contradiction?
CATHY: I did mention being twelve feet tall, Dan. Do I look like a Toyota Prius kind of girl?
DAN: Well, I suppose I can see where that might-
CATHY: My vehicle is actually a custom car body built on a modified long-bed extended-cab duelly pickup chassis. Nothing less is big enough. I tried doing one on a Ford F-250 chassis, but thanks to the current management, late-model Fords are gay.
DAN: Couldn’t you find a less-offensive word?
CATHY: Oh, sorry. Let’s just say that late-model Fords are faggots.
DAN: That was not an improv-
CATHY (singing): “The little faggot with the earring and the mink coat, yeah buddy; that’s his own hair-”
DAN: Would you please stop using that word?
CATHY: Why, Dan? Are you prejudiced against Dire Straits?
DAN: No-
CATHY: Good. (resumes singing) “That little faggot got his own jet airplane; that little faggot, he’s a millionaire.”
DAN: But my job is going to be in dire straits if you don’t stop that.
CATHY: Your bosses are offended by the word “faggot”?
DAN: Well, some of our sponsors are, and if CBS News doesn’t get paid, then neither do I.
CATHY: Oh. Well, that’s an easy problem to solve. Drop the Ford account and look for new advertisers. I’m sure that Dr. James Dobson would be interested in advertising Focus on the Family during the CBS Evening News. I can hook you up with Wayne LaPierre at the National Rifle Association. And I hear that Ann Coulter is looking to plug her latest book.
DAN: Ah- that’s okay. Our advertising staff need to earn their pay. Moving along, in your recent book Liberals Aren’t Worth A Damn, you said that you believed that “illegal aliens should be crated up and sent back on the bumpiest roads available”. Don’t you feel that’s a little harsh?
CATHY: Not at all. They’re the ones flying another nation’s flag on our soil. Screw 'em.
DAN: Some of them might take hostile exception-
CATHY: Zits, Dan. (brandishes her impressive thumbs again)

to be contiuned next post

DAN: Uh, yeah. Of course. Let’s change gears. What’s it like spending so much time on the beach? Doesn’t it get monotonous after a while?
CATHY: Sometimes, but the fresh air is always novel. And I find plenty to do. Swimming, building sand nuclear powerplants, watching idiots drown because they didn’t heed the Small Craft Warning, fishing for dolphins, juggling spoiled brats-
DAN: But isn’t there a down-side? Surely it isn’t all fresh air and leisure.
CATHY: No, it isn’t. A big problem is that I frequently get crabs.
DAN: You mean lice?
CATHY: No, I mean the damn crustaceans. Too many times I stretch out on the beach, and a crab comes along and pinches my ass. The end result is invariably a very flat and messy crab, but it gets pretty annoying sometimes.
DAN: I can imagine.
CATHY: Yeah. Another problem are the beach gangs.
DAN: “Beach gangs”?
CATHY: Yes. They’re not really violent, but they come along and insist that you play their games with them, and they don’t leave you alone until you do.
DAN (mildly surprised): Really?
CATHY (earnestly): Oh yes. Just this morning one came along- I think they called themselves “Greenpeace”- and one of them said: “Look at the size of that one. How did it get so far from the surf?”
DAN: Really?
CATHY: Yes, really. Then they started dumping buckets of water on me, which I thought was quite rude. And then they started trying to shove me into the water! Can you believe it?
DAN: Ah- not without a lawyer and an EMS crew…
CATHY: Are you saying I have PMS, Dan?
DAN: Not to your face- I mean, I said “EMS”.
CATHY: Well, I don’t have that, either.
DAN: I didn’t say that you- oh, never mind. Please finish your story.
CATHY: Well, I thought that trying to shove me into the water was rude, of course. But I decided that I should have a sense of humor about it and play their game. So I threw all of them into the water.
DAN: And what did they say?
CATHY: I don’t know. The Coast Guard hopes to locate them within forty-eight hours. They’re searching in international waters.
DAN: Ah-
*(moment of silence)
*CATHY: Did you zone out again, Dan?
DAN: Ah… No, just a loss for words.
CATHY: Again? I suppose it’s a good thing that you quit the anchor desk, then. Are you coming down with Alzheimer’s?
*(moment of frustrated silence)
*CATHY (concerned): You should really have your doctor check that out.
DAN (ready to pull his hair out): I don’t have Alzheimer’s. May we *please *continue this?
CATHY: Well sure, Dan, if you’re certain that you feel up to it.
DAN: I’m okay. Really. I’d like now to address the comment made about you on The View. Rosie O’Donnell described you as “a monstrosity of deceit”. Your response?
CATHY: Well, Dan, as to the deceit part, I’m afraid it’s going to boil down to “she-said, she-said”. I don’t own an oxy-acetylene torch, so I can’t really prove that fire melts steel. As to the other part, I can only say that unlike Rosie, I have an excuse for weighing fourteen hundred pounds.

to be concluded tomorrow

1 Like

That was priceless !! Can’t wait until tomorrow. On another note, I’d be interested in reading some of your other sci-fi/fantasy work if it’s anything like this.

Very enjoyable. Are you a professional? Published somewhere?

I can authoritatively answer for him; the answer is no. But he’s working on producing publishable material.

Thank you for the answer - I look forward to his success!

FC ?. Please remember us when you’re famous.

[quote=“Elmira_Viking, post:7, topic:8550”]
FC ?. Please remember us when you’re famous.
[/quote]Remember who?

The mods who can ban you. :ninja:

I loved the bit about “N.O.W. is past.”

Btw, I’ve already read the whole thing.

[quote=“Elmira_Viking, post:9, topic:8550”]
The mods who can ban you. :ninja:
[/quote]Yeah, well, I’ll ban you from the local ice cream stand-

or something…

I just had a though. You might write me into one of your best sellers as a, gasp, lefty.

Okay, here’s the remainder of the interview. There isn’t much politics in this part, but I hope you all enjoy it. Now where was I- oh, yeah; the Rosie joke:

CATHY: …I can only say that unlike Rosie, I have an excuse for weighing fourteen hundred pounds.
DAN: Ah… Moving right along, and relating to your exceptional size, there’s a rumor that you once got fed up with maniacal city traffic, abandoned your vehicle, and started walking over the cars that were sitting there, honking their horns-
CATHY: Yes. My insurance company is settling the claims for the cars I stepped on.
DAN: Then there’s the semi driver who alledgedly got tired of waiting for you to move and tried to run you over.
CATHY: That’s right, Dan. After rescue crews peeled what was left of his Kenworth off of him to identify his body, his next of kin sued me.
DAN: And how did you settle that one?
CATHY: I threw an ambulance at their lawyer.
DAN: I see. You mentioned that someone else is posting this interview on the internet, but you yourself are known to be a minor computer hobbyist. Why not do it yourself?
CATHY: Oh, my computer is in the shop, Dan.
DAN: But surely you could borrow a computer, or use one at the library-
CATHY: Look at these digits, Dan. (holds out her large hands) Do you think a common-sized computer keyboard would do for me?
DAN: I suppose that-
CATHY: I had to have my Macintosh specially modified with double-size buttons, mouse (I call it a rat), keyboard, and the largest monitor I could get. I call my computer The Big Apple.
DAN: Ah…
CATHY: To accomodate my size, it has a special emulation mode to run the Picture Windows O.S.
DAN: Uh, is that a regular Microsoft-
CATHY: Dan, I thought we weren’t going to talk about your sexual- oh, you mean the operating system? It’s a custom modification of Windows XL.
DAN (slightly red-faced): Uh, you mean XP?
CATHY: No, XP wasn’t big enough.
DAN: Ah. Well, what I’d like to do now is a series of quick questions and answers about your favorite and least favorite things.
CATHY: Fire away, Dan.
DAN: Favorite main course?
CATHY: Side of beef roast.
DAN: Favorite brand of canned vegetables?
CATHY: Green Giant.
DAN: I should have seen that one comming.
CATHY: Yes you should have, Dan.
DAN: Favorite actor?
CATHY: Charlton Heston.
DAN: Favorite movie character?
DAN: Favorite Biblical quote?
CATHY: “Woe unto ye lawyers.”
DAN: Pet peeves?
CATHY: Low street lights that I bang my head into, resturants that won’t serve a whole turkey, and French poodles.
DAN: Okay, now I want to ask you about-
IRATE LIFEGUARD (in company of six other lifeguards): Hey butthead, what the hell do you think you’re doing? That lifeguard chair is for official use only.
DAN: Well, I’m doing this interview and it was the only way for me to speak at eye level with Ms. Hunter-
CATHY: Don’t call me “Ms.”, Dan.
LIFEGUARD: I don’t care what you’re doing. Get your ass out of the chair.
DAN: Yes, well I’m almost done-
LIFEGUARD: Newsflash, suit-boy. You are done.
(all seven lifeguards topple the chair, crashing it and Dan into Cathy, knocking her out of her own chair toward the water)
CATHY: Dammit, Dan, I never would have agreed to this interview if I’d known that you were one of those Greenpeace beach gangsters. (sighs) Oh, all right, I’ll play, but this is the last time. (picks up Dan)
DAN: WaitaminuteI’mnotinabeachgang-


(sound of Dan Blather’s scream fading over the horizon)


I like Cathy!

Oh wow, your quit the writer ^^

[quote=“Princess_Clover, post:15, topic:8550”]
Oh wow, your quit the writer ^^
[/quote]I certainly hope you meant “you’re quite the writer” instead of “you quit the writing”!

Bizarre, tasteless, and inconceivably creative.

You should try to sell that, or something based on that, to American Thinker or another lighthearted conservative site or publication.