George Burns

George Burns

People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

– George Burns

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

– George Burns

By the time you are 80, you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.

– George Burns

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

– George Burns

It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

– George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

– George Burns

And God said: “Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.”

– George Burns

If it’s a good script I’ll do it.
And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.

– George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

– George Burns

I was always taught to respect my elders and I’ve now reached the age when I don’t have anybody to respect.

– George Burns

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

– George Burns

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

– George Burns

I was married by a judge – I should have asked for a jury.

– George Burns

For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.

– George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

– George Burns

I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

– George Burns

I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.

– George Burns

I get a standing ovation just standing.

– George Burns

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

– George Burns

– Can you play the violin?

– I don’t know. I’ve never tried.

– George Burns

By 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

– George Burns

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

– George Burns

If I’d taken my doctor’s advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn’t have lived to go to his funeral.

– George Burns

Retire? I’m going to stay in show business until I’m the only one left.

– George Burns

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

– George Burns

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

– George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

– George Burns

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

– George Burns

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.

– George Burns

I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.

– George Burns

Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65, I still had pimples.

– George Burns

I look better, feel better, make love better, and I’ll tell you something else: I never lied better.

– George Burns

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I’d sleep with it.

– George Burns

If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.

– George Burns

I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

– George Burns

First of all you’ve got to have talent. And then you’ve got to marry her like I did.

– George Burns

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