House of Four Hats Phunnie Stuff

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes.
Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, “I missed!”

I call this the House of Four Hats because we had a Consolidated Messhall at Ft Meade Maryland that served four brances of the Services.

By the way, Ft Meade has the distinction of being the only Army post in the wolrd with a permanent Marine garrison.

Air Force and Navy had their barracks on the post too.

We all worked at the National Security Agency, Headquatered there on Post.

Yeah… but did the snake? :ninja:

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks “What happened?”. The pilot’s reply: "I don’t know, I just got here myself!

General

     Faster than a speeding bullet.         

More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

     Colonel         

     Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.         

More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

     Lieutenant-Colonel         

     Faster than an energetically thrown rock.         

Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

     Major         

     Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.         

Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

     Captain         

     Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.         

Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

     Lieutenant         

     Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.         

Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

     2nd Lieutenant         

     Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.         

Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.

     Officer Cadet         

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: “Look at choo choo!”
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

     Sergeant-Major         

Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
Is God.

An Air Force Officer Goes to Heaven

An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. 

The officer flyboy replies," Yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Army recruits harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this recruit to stand down."

St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act.

The pilot replied, “About 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!”

This Text is from an actual letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad after joining the army.

(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie approx 10 hours west of Brisbane in the far south west of Queensland, Australia)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.

Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack nothin’!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.

I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of pie!! You don’t even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Jill

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, “Why do you want to join the Army, son?”
“My father said it’d be a good idea, sir.”
“Oh? And what does your father do?”
“He’s in the Navy, sir.”

[font=Arial]Subject: French Uniforms

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, “Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won’t show and the men they are leading won’t panic.

And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.[/font]

Jeff Danziger by Jeff Danziger

Send Me!

I’ve said that if I could, I’d enlist today and help my country. But, I’m over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 35 to join the Army. They’ve got the whole thing backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join until you’re at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can’t kill the enemy, we’ll complain them into submission. “My back hurts!” “I’m hungry!” “Where’s the remote control?”

An 18-year-old hasn’t had a legal beer yet and you shouldn’t go to war until you’re at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he’s 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn’t like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early just to show we can (and to steal the neighbor’s newspaper and pee).

If old guys are captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We’ve also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. The army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I’ve been to the desert and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, “Get down and give me…er…one.”

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of the boxer shorts sticking out. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked on September 11. The last thing they’d want to see right now is a couple of million old soldiers with attitudes.

[color=Red][Disclaimer: This is but one variation of a story that has been around for at least a year, probably longer, and it is posted here for the benefit of first time readers. If you have already read this or some other version, stop when you recognize it. It may not be phunnie to you if you read it again.][/color]

A U.S Navy destroyer had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather for several days. Visibility was poor because the fog was thick and patchy, so the captain of the ship remained on the bridge. Shortly after dark the ship’s lookout reported seeing a light in the direction of the starboard bow. “Is it steady or moving astern?” asked the captain. “Steady, Captain,” came the reply. After further watch the captain knew that they were on a collision course with this other ship, so he called out to the signalman, “Signal that ship: We are on a collision course. Advise you change course 20 degrees.”

The signal was sent, and immediately one was returned. “Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees,” was the reply. The captain quickly had another signal sent. “I am a captain. Change course 20 degrees.” Once again a response came quickly. “I am a Lieutenant. You had better change course 20 degrees.” By this time the captain was furious, and he barked another signal. “I am a destroyer. Change your course!” Back came a simple message. “I am a Canadian lighthouse.”

^^^^

[QUOTE=rhmorgan]A U.S Navy destroyer had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather for several days. Visibility was poor because the fog was thick and patchy, so the captain of the ship remained on the bridge. Shortly after dark the ship’s lookout reported seeing a light in the direction of the starboard bow. “Is it steady or moving astern?” asked the captain. “Steady, Captain,” came the reply. After further watch the captain knew that they were on a collision course with this other ship, so he called out to the signalman, “Signal that ship: We are on a collision course. Advise you change course 20 degrees.”

The signal was sent, and immediately one was returned. “Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees,” was the reply. The captain quickly had another signal sent. “I am a captain. Change course 20 degrees.” Once again a response came quickly. “I am a Lieutenant. You had better change course 20 degrees.” By this time the captain was furious, and he barked another signal. “I am a destroyer. Change your course!” Back came a simple message. “I am a Canadian lighthouse.”
[/QUOTE]

I’ve read another version where it goes slightly different. Instead of saying they were a lighthouse so early, they said, “No, I insist you change your course 20 degrees and soon.” Then the Captain repeated, “I am a United States destroyer flagship with a fleet, consisting of 3 destroyers, 1 aircraft carrier and nuclear submarines, under my command and the authority to destroy you. Move 20 degrees immediately!” Then the lighthouse admitted who they were. heh, don’t remember the exact fleet numbers so I made those up.

[QUOTE=Spearhead]I’ve read another version where it goes slightly different. Instead of saying they were a lighthouse so early, they said, “No, I insist you change your course 20 degrees and soon.” Then the Captain repeated, “I am a United States destroyer flagship with a fleet, consisting of 3 destroyers, 1 aircraft carrier and nuclear submarines, under my command and the authority to destroy you. Move 20 degrees immediately!” Then the lighthouse admitted who they were. heh, don’t remember the exact fleet numbers so I made those up.[/QUOTE]I read the same version last year and have seen several variations since then. Nationalities and size of forces vary, depending on who tells the story. Many other stories handed around have variations too.

I only posted this for the benefit of folks who may not have heard this joke or any of its variations before.

Bottom line, it is just a joke. The first tip off is it is in a jokes thread.

I’ll try to remember to insert a disclaimer letting people know the story presented is but one variation of a joke that has been passed around for several years. And, if they already read it, or another version, they don;'t need to read it again.

I was just sharing my version, you don’t need a disclaimer. lol

Rambo Kitty

From http://thissiterocks.com/pictures.htm?pic=262

I’m certain that my cat has been featured in similar pictures!:drink3: :embarrese :cat:

Lauri used to have that kitten - without the armaments, and with a gun pointed at it - as her avatar.

“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

§=PROBLEM
(S)=SOLUTION

§ Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

§ Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

§ #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

§ Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

§ Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

§ DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

§ Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

§ Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

§ IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

§ Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That’s what they’re there for

§ Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

§ Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious!

§ Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics