A scenario that makes me smile:
LORETTA LYNCH vs. OMAR MATEEN
MATEEN: “I shot up the Pulse Club because I am a member of ISIS.”
LYNCH: “No you’re not.”
MATEEN: “Wait, what? Yes I am…”
LYNCH: “No, this has nothing to do with Muslim terrorism. I have no idea why you did this, but it wasn’t radical Islam.”
MATEEN: “WHAT!? Did you read what I told the 911 operator? I gave explicit Quranic justification. This is jihad, a holy crusade against pagans, blasphemers, and homosexuals.”
LYNCH: “No, this is definitely not a Muslim thing. You are not a true Muslim, and you defame a great religion by saying so.”
MATEEN: “Who are you to tell me I’m not a true Muslim!? Islam is literally at the core of everything I do, and we have implemented the truest most literal and honest interpretation of its founding texts, the Quuran. It is my very reason for being.”
LYNCH: “Nope. We’re still trying to figure out why you did this. I bet it’s because of White Men. It’s because you were disenfranchised. We’re sorry.”
MATEEN: “What? Why are you apologizing? I just slaughtered you mercilessly by the dozens. I targeted unwitting civilians and gays - disenfranchisement doesn’t even enter into it!”
LYNCH: “Easy access to guns is what drives your anger.”
MATEEN: “It’s not the guns! We will knife you, hang you, burn you, run you over, and bombs are easy to create in our kitchens! We don’t care about the guns! In fact, civilian gun ownership might actually make it difficult for us!”
LYNCH: “Obviously we need to ban all guns. We need to overturn the Second Amendment.”
MATEEN: “By Allah, you are a motherless tool! The weapon is not the issue! Our Holy Jihad against you is the only thing that is important!”
LYNCH: “Climate Change is the reason you rage against us. We deserve it.”
MATEEN: “What does Climate Change have to do with this???”
LYNCH: “Because of Climate Change, the oceans will rise by one-tenth of one inch, and that makes you furious…”
LYNCH: "You see no future for your children because of Climate Change so you strap bombs on them and send them into shopping malls.
MATEEN: “NO … It has NOTHING to do with Climate Change or Gun Control or ANYTHING like that! It is because we follow the teachings of the Prophet Mohammad, who tells us to put all unbelievers to the sword! We are commanded by Allah to kill you all!”
LYNCH: “This is all caused by the fact we bullied gays and transgenders in our past. If we hadn’t been so mean, and accepted Bruce Jenner for the amazing woman he was all those years, you would not be trying to kill us. Please forgive us.”
MATEEN: I targeted gays for slaughter! We kill gays the moment we find them! We hang them by their necks any chance we can! Islam hates homosexuality!"
LYNCH: “Listen, it’s our fault. We resisted resettling you in our country. We should have given you more welfare and food stamps. We don’t blame you for feeling unwelcome and lashing out.”
MATEEN: “Stop taking credit for this!
I worked really hard to pull this off, and I’m not going to let you take it away from me.”
LYNCH: “No, we nourished your extremism. We accept full blame.”
MATEEN: How many people do I have to kill to get my message across?""
LYNCH: “Gun control will fix this.”
(compliments of Lazamataz)