A bone-chilling digital howl rippled across the Internet as the powder-faced Gargantua calling itself Lynn Yaeger lurched over to the keyboard to unleash hellfire on the First Lady.
“Oh, Melania,” Lynn Yaeger curdled. “In the words of the late, great Lou Reed, you ‘couldn’t hit it sideways,’” after accusing the White House of failing to “understand optics.”
The brute in a red wig-like cap, black lipstick, and frayed, tattered rags seized on footage of the graceful First Lady as she boarded Air Force One for a visit to flood-ravaged Texas.
“This morning, Mrs. Trump boarded Air Force One wearing a pair of towering pointy-toed snakeskin heels better suited to a shopping afternoon on Madison Avenue or a girls’ luncheon at La Grenouille,” Lynn Yaeger–who hails from a beneath-the-floorboards, cannibalistic tribe of journalists known as Contributing Fashion Editors at Vogue– howled.
In her article Lynn Yaeger remained untethered when told by a spokesperson that Lady Melania had a change of shoes awaiting her on the plane. When Mrs. Trump did de-plane in Texas she was photographed wearing sensible sneakers.
“But what kind of message does a fly-in visit from a First Lady in sky-high stilettos send to those suffering the enormous hardship, the devastation of this natural disaster?” the beast grumbled, leaving many to suspect had she not been turned down at the high school prom by the hideous fish-God Dagon her career might have turned out different.